In the end, more than anything else, we regret the little things we wish weâd done differently.
âIf onlyâŠâ Those two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.
Here are ten daily life choices that ultimately lead to that phrase of regret, and how to elude them:
1. Wearing a mask to impress other people.
If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it. Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone elseâs perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are. So donât fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and whatâs true to you. You donât have to be perfect to impress and inspire people. Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Keeping negative company (without boundaries).
Donât let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you. Donât let them get to you. Take a step back. Distancing yourself from those who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries. When you remember that keeping the constant company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.
3. Being selfish and egotistical.
A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone. Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired. So carve your name on hearts, not stone. What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
4. Avoiding change and growth.
If you want to know your past look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future look into your present actions. You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back. If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for real and lasting progress. (Note: âThe Good Morning Journalâ is a great tool for this kind of daily self-reflection.)
5. Letting others create your goals and dreams for you.
The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find. A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams on a daily basis. Do you have people who disagree with you? Good. It means youâre standing your ground and walking your own path. Sometimes youâll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, thatâs when youâll know youâre doing things right.
6. Giving up when the going gets tough.
There are no failures, just results. Even if things donât unfold the way you had expected, donât be disheartened or give up. Learn what you can and move on. The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end. Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory. Itâs a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing.
Life should be touched, not strangled. Sometimes youâve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement. Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight. Take a deep breath. When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward. You donât have to know exactly where youâre going to be headed somewhere great. Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not. It just takes some time to connect all the dots.
8. Settling for less than you deserve.
Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Donât settle.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow.
The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do. But one day you will wake up and there wonât be any more time to work on the things youâve always wanted to do. And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you havenât. (Read âThe Last Lectureâ.)
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy.
The world doesnât owe you anything, you owe the world something. So stop daydreaming and start DOING. As they say, develop a backbone not a wishbone. Take full responsibility for your life â take control of your next step. You are important and you are needed. Itâs too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.
How to gradually let go of old regrets.
The points above are crucial reminders, but what if you already have regrets youâre struggling with?
No doubt, feelings of regret sometimes sneak up on us. Oftentimes we regret things simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didnât. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didnât. We should have started that business, but didnâtâŠ
We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things âshouldâ be. The problem of course is that we canât change those decisions, because we canât change the past. Yet we resist this reality subconsciously â we keep overanalyzing and comparing the unchangeable reality to our ideal fantasy until weâve wasted lots of time and energy.
But why?
If we logically know better, why canât we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?
Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are â our well-meaning intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. And we make the best decisions we can of course, because again, we generally mean well. Even if you struggle with deep-seeded self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being.
And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with â they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. â we take offense. We feel personally attacked, and we have a hard time letting it go.
Something very similar happens when we believe we did something â made a mistake â that contradicts the same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! In some cases we implode on ourselves â we berate ourselves for making the mistake: âHow could I have done this?â we think. âWhy couldnât I have been smarter and made a better decision?â And again, we have a hard time letting it go â we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we arenât always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.
So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.
The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of reality. The truth must be embracedâŠ
- Every bad decision we made in the past is done â none of them can be changed. And in fact thereâs some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
- We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do good things, we make mistakes, we give back, we are selfish, we are honest, and we tell white lies sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to slip. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and accurate) vision of ourselves.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself obsessing over and regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that youâre falling into this pattern, 2) realize that thereâs some ideal or fantasy youâre comparing your decisions and yourself to, and 3) practice letting go of this ideal or fantasy and embrace a wider range of reality in the present moment.
Now itâs your turnâŠ
One day you will find yourself closer to the end, thinking about the beginning.
TODAY is that beginning!
TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life.
I challenge you to put the principles of this article to good use.
Motivate yourself to START NOW by answering a simple question:
Whatâs one thing YOU CAN choose to do today that you will NOT regret?
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